I figured it’s been a good while since I’ve written. The last time I posted, I was in a deep, low place. I was dealing with usual dating woes (although this time, it was much deeper than usual since she had mutual feelings towards me). It also knocked me down even more when I discovered that she has been talking to a new guy and eventually became exclusive with him. I was heartbroken… again. I’ve gone through the questions over and over in my mind, as well as just thinking back to the good times that we’ve had together. I was low for 4-5 days. I had to hide the true effects of how I was feeling from my coworkers, strangers, and even my grandpa. The only hint was that I haven’t been eating. In the past, I was usually in this mindset for maybe several weeks. This time, all it took was 5-6 days. I was eating again, going out with friends, and just occupying my time with video games. Something snapped in place in my mind on the 5th day.
Maybe it was the fact that no matter what I say, it’s not like she will suddenly decide to dump that guy and run back to me. Maybe it was the fact that, upon looking back, I actually saw some signs that it wasn’t really heading in the direction I was hoping it would. Maybe it was the fact that I realized that maybe she hasn’t really been open and truthful to me. The details are too long and complicated, but for the most part, it could be a combination of all three. I yelled at myself internally to stop feeling sorry for myself. I’ve somehow convinced myself that she is not the girl for me anymore. I was able to say to myself that if she really wanted to be with me, she would have made the effort, regardless of the obstacles inbetween. She didn’t.
I haven’t completely removed her from my life. We are still friends on Facebook. However, we haven’t talked for over a week. Just some comments here and there on posts on Facebook. And, while most people would feel bitter towards someone who would put them in the same situation as I was in, I don’t (for the most part). There are still some stinging memories and I feel my veins constrict when I see her name sometimes. But, after a few seconds, I just scroll past and move on. It’s not me to shit on someone’s happiness. She’s been more talkative to mutual friends recently. She seems happier. She seems to just be… more upbeat. Again, it’s not like she was unhappy when she was talking to me. But, I certainly noticed how she has become more positive. And, I can’t take away her happiness, no matter how much she hurt me.
While I am over her and moved on, there are times when I still think what if. But, they will remain as what ifs, and now I have to focus on what can happen in my future. I don’t know if we would get to talk one on one again anytime soon since she will be spending that time with her new boyfriend. If she needs moral support, she knows that I’m still here for her. But, those feelings… they’re now gone. I certainly wish her the best… and I hope that he treats her well. That’s all I can ask for: for her to be happy and respected.
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