It’s been a while since I’ve written here. And it seems like whenever I do, it has something to do with how my love life (or lack thereof) is going. And the trend continues on, unfortunately.

I’m starting to grow a little bitter inside, even though I know I shouldn’t. But, after years of just trying and doing everything I can while still ending up nowhere but with frustration, I just begin to be jaded. It always somehow feels like I would never be good enough to reach the level of romantic interest. Or that when I do show interest in someone and things never really develop between us, then a month or two later, they end up getting into a relationship with someone else. Like I’m some real-life version of Good Luck Chuck.

I’m starting to feel unworthy of anyone’s love no matter how much effort I put into building a closer relationship with them. And I know it’s not their fault. But, I’m just tired of never seeming good enough…

“Hope”

It’s only been a little over two weeks since I’ve been down in the dumps. I hate to keep going back to it, but it’s something that still sticks to the back of my mind. I’ve come a long way from two Mondays ago. I’m on the steady path to moving along in my life (romantically speaking). I haven’t really met anyone knew at the moment; I also really haven’t been looking. And, with this inaction, cliche thoughts fill my head once more.

“It just means that she’s not perfect for you.” “It means the perfect one is still out there for you.” “Everything falls together when it’s supposed to.”

I tell everyone these phrases. People tell me these phrases. I tell myself these phrases. And I’m starting to wonder if they are actually just lies. Little blurts to help those in pain divert attention away from the sadness they’re feeling. I’m starting to feel like Tom from 500 Days of Summer. Where he sits in the meeting room listening to new card ideas as he tackles his anger and sadness internally. Then he bursts out how, at that very office, they are producing lies and bullshit to people. Where they fill people’s mouths with bullshit things to say so they feel noble. This sense of…. hope.

Hope is nothing new. It was the campaign slogan for when Barack Obama ran for President the first time. It is something to fill the eager hearts of those craving change, craving positivity, craving anything that will at least deter them from the woes that they are currently suffering from. Sometimes, with this promise of hope and optimism, things fall into place. And all believe that hope is genuine, real, true. But, what about the other times when nothing really comes together? The times where people grasp tightly onto that four letter word they only know of through a false reality? Those who seek any form of change, regardless of how self destructive it can become as they hold on tighter and tighter until there is nothing left to squeeze?

I know what you’re thinking: “why such dark thoughts, Ben? You seemed okay, but now, there’s this negativity just surrounding this post.” To be honest, this is actually nothing. I’m purging what’s been held up in my mind for a few days now. There are times when I feel happy, then meh, then apathetic, then sad, and then repeat. I begin to think about my future and where everything stands, where everything is supposed to come together and just work. And there, I feel, is my problem. I expect too much. I plot out how things would happen. Then I build my hopes up, and when they don’t turn out the way I envisioned them, I get extremely disappointed and down on myself. And then I curse at this “hope” that was built in my mind. 

I think about what happens if I supposedly did find “the one” to fit into my life. How do I know she is the one? How do I know I am the one for her? We don’t. We all are face with some form of uncertainty. One day, she can be the one. The next, she isn’t. And then she’s gone. And then I will be back to where I originally was. Alone, wondering why these events keep repeating themselves. What is the point if people will eventually leave you? 

That previous sentence. Destroy it. I know that it seems that I’ve been degrading this “hope” as false and unworthy of holding onto. But, that’s just the thing about hope. There is enough uncertainly to make you question whatever or not it’s worth it, and enough to make you go for it. Nothing is guaranteed in this life. We often attempt again and again and again, sometimes changing approach and other times just going in blindly just the same as before. The real part to hold truly to your heart is that you at least understand that there are multiple outcomes when you attempt something, and only one outcome when you don’t. (Again, another cliche: “You miss 100% of the shots you didn’t take.”)  

So, while hope may seem dim in my future at the moment, it is still there. I’m keeping it tucked away, save for a rainy day. Save for that someone who can replenish it and share their energy with mine. Remove all constraints, expectations from your mind and… “just go with the flow.” It will be hard for me… since I always put a lot of heart and soul into forming new relationships. But, at least I hope that eventually, it will all be worth it. 

New Chapter

I figured it’s been a good while since I’ve written. The last time I posted, I was in a deep, low place. I was dealing with usual dating woes (although this time, it was much deeper than usual since she had mutual feelings towards me). It also knocked me down even more when I discovered that she has been talking to a new guy and eventually became exclusive with him. I was heartbroken… again. I’ve gone through the questions over and over in my mind, as well as just thinking back to the good times that we’ve had together. I was low for 4-5 days. I had to hide the true effects of how I was feeling from my coworkers, strangers, and even my grandpa. The only hint was that I haven’t been eating. In the past, I was usually in this mindset for maybe several weeks. This time, all it took was 5-6 days. I was eating again, going out with friends, and just occupying my time with video games. Something snapped in place in my mind on the 5th day. 

Maybe it was the fact that no matter what I say, it’s not like she will suddenly decide to dump that guy and run back to me. Maybe it was the fact that, upon looking back, I actually saw some signs that it wasn’t really heading in the direction I was hoping it would. Maybe it was the fact that I realized that maybe she hasn’t really been open and truthful to me. The details are too long and complicated, but for the most part, it could be a combination of all three. I yelled at myself internally to stop feeling sorry for myself. I’ve somehow convinced myself that she is not the girl for me anymore. I was able to say to myself that if she really wanted to be with me, she would have made the effort, regardless of the obstacles inbetween. She didn’t. 

I haven’t completely removed her from my life. We are still friends on Facebook. However, we haven’t talked for over a week. Just some comments here and there on posts on Facebook. And, while most people would feel bitter towards someone who would put them in the same situation as I was in, I don’t (for the most part). There are still some stinging memories and I feel my veins constrict when I see her name sometimes. But, after a few seconds, I just scroll past and move on. It’s not me to shit on someone’s happiness. She’s been more talkative to mutual friends recently. She seems happier. She seems to just be… more upbeat. Again, it’s not like she was unhappy when she was talking to me. But, I certainly noticed how she has become more positive. And, I can’t take away her happiness, no matter how much she hurt me. 

While I am over her and moved on, there are times when I still think what if. But, they will remain as what ifs, and now I have to focus on what can happen in my future. I don’t know if we would get to talk one on one again anytime soon since she will be spending that time with her new boyfriend. If she needs moral support, she knows that I’m still here for her. But, those feelings… they’re now gone. I certainly wish her the best… and I hope that he treats her well. That’s all I can ask for: for her to be happy and respected. 

Association

Ever had a certain place that reminded you of someone? A quirk that you remembered that brought you back to the person doing it? A familiar smell that triggers your memory? I get those a lot. More so recently. I tend to place a sentimental value on certain events, places, jokes, whatever possible, to the very person that I was with around that time. It holds a special meaning in my mind, in my heart. 

Lately, because of how someone doesn’t hold that same relationship with me as before, I’ve been trying to disassociate all these places and events. I’m usually fond of good memories, but not when I know it will just dampen my mood and trigger unwanted emotions. I try to detach everything possible from before, which really sucks because I don’t want to just wipe everything out. But what else can I do when certain things just make me sad suddenly? It’s especially hard when the associations are around the ares that you’re stuck in. I walk by these areas a lot and every time, without fail, the memory of this person shows up. 

While I’m certainly doing better than I was a week ago, there are still times where I feel empty, and then sad. I still wish for this sadness and lingering pain to go away. I want to be able to finally let go and continue on without this sense of anguish dwelling inside me. And sometimes, I wish I didn’t feel so much… 

The Breastfeeding Conflict

Britt Brown Marsh Blog

Breastfeeding has been in the news a lot lately.
People are floored that a strong woman fed her baby at her graduation.
People are angry that a restaurant employee told a woman to cover up and stood beside her until she finished feeding her child.
Facebook changed their breastfeeding policy to support breastfeeding mothers.

People are shocked that women use their breasts for *gasp* feeding their babies! The nerve! Don’t you know that breasts are funbags for men?!

Psh. Screw that.

Breasts are first and foremost for nourishing children. Not just babies. How long someone feeds their child is not your business. Really…that’s all breasts are for.

What bothers me most from the entire breastfeeding discussion is the shaming between breastfeeding mothers.

Look: you can cover up all you want, but do NOT shame a fellow mom for not covering up.

It’s hot. Some babies (like my own) hate to…

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Sadness and Pain

I don’t want to be at work today. I don’t want to be anywhere. I’ve been unhappy the last few days, and I just want the sadness and pain to stop.

Well, it was too good to be true. And now, I just have to pick up the broken pieces again. She’s talking to someone new. And while I had an inkling about, it doesn’t make it hurt any less…

In horrible situations, you know who your friends truly are

Last night I heard my dad groaning and hitting the floor from my bedroom.

At first I thought maybe my dad had gone to use the restroom since he wasn’t in the living room, so I checked on my mom. When she was sound asleep, I went back into the living room and noticed my dad convulsing on the floor. It was the most horrific thing I had ever witnessed. He was foaming at the mouth, his lips were purple and he was gasping for air. I ran to tell my mom to call 911, and I rushed to my father to lift him up so he wouldn’t choke on his saliva and made sure he could breathe. After awhile, the ambulance arrived and they took my dad to the hospital. In a desperate attempt to raise money, I put together a gofundme page and begged people to help me raise money…

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What a Weekend

The slow days where you wish they would speed up. And the moments you wish that would slow down. What a weekend it was with those two mixed in.

She came and visited me as well as to hang out with the NY crew. We have done a lot this past weekend: Highline, Frisbee in Central Park, Cards Against Humanity at a friend’s place, karaoke, and of course drinking.

Our connection got a lot stronger in person. We already got along online and have a fun time Skyping and calling each other. And in person, it was just all amplified and so much more amazing. We bonded, hugged, held hands, laughed together, cuddled, kissed, and just embraced each other with all we had. It has been something I’ve been yearning for for such a long time.

And such a shame that it flew by so fast. I miss her so much already. And I wish she was still here in my arms as we hug and cuddle and kiss each other good night as we doze off in each other’s arms.

I haven’t updated in a while, and I feel bad. There has been a lot on my mind, but I don’t know if I can or should put it down here. 

As of last time when I wrote about exploring a new venture in potential relationships, I haven’t had any as of yet. Maybe soon, but definitely not yet. I haven’t gotten back into the dating scene because, mainly, I don’t think I would ever find someone as close as how I’ve connected to a few people recently in the past months; mainly on just having those nice talks about anything and just enjoying company. I feel like I may be coming off somewhat … attached? Not really attached, but I just enjoy talking to someone I like. Sometimes, even the silence and just looking at each other can make my heart skip. And, I’m not even sure how many girls on OKCupid are seriously looking for a relationship or not. 

I certainly am trying to detach myself just a little bit emotionally. But, with years of emotional investment in past relationships, it’s proving to be tougher than I thought. And maybe, I’m just not really that much of a sex kind of guy. I do still enjoy sex and pleasuring her, but I think what I crave is someone that can be intellectually and emotionally invested in me as much as I am into her. Even just nights where we would just cuddle and watch a movie together, and and exchange a few kisses here and there. I suppose that’s really all that I want. 

I guess that maybe emotional investment is too much to ask of someone at the moment. And maybe I just need to be patient. I just usually can’t help myself and my attraction to someone when we connect on that deep of a level. I want to detach, but I feel then that it might be unfair to just not let it flow its course. I want them to know I’m interested and connected when I truly am. It’s not like I throw myself at them. But, it’s something that’s hard to control. 

Now, all I’m really focusing on is to just go with the flow and have fun. To detach just a little, but not so much that it seems forced to interact.